i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
