Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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