sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
