No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
