so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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