How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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