Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Randomize
