I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she told me i tasted like america
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
