i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
