It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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