we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
