I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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