Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
