I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
