he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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