Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
