I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He shit in the fireplace
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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