i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
