Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
