Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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