I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My vagina is very pro this idea
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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