Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
