i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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