I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
