Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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