I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
