Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
