Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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