this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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