omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Randomize
