im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
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