omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
