Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
