when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
