Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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