things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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