Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
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