He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
