Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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