Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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