im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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