I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
