1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
