Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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