in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
