You don't have asthma, your pregnant
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
