I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
