my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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