We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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