my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You are a genius and a whore.
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